first_summers | Riverview >> Inbox

[ Time is something she has in spades now that there aren't a dozen things trying to kill her on a daily basis, or an annual impending apocalypse trying to destroy the world. She'll wait however long she has to if it means even a chance at having him back in her life.

She smiles over at him with amusement and affection practically beaming from her expression. ] Well, we wouldn't want that.

[ It's clear that she's teasing, being nothing more than playful, or... at least, she hopes it's clear. Taking another sip of her drink, she's quiet for a moment before turning a bit to face him more fully. ] Will you tell me something? Anything, about your life here.

Tell you what? I haven't been here that long -- few months at most.

[Still, he may have things to tell. Not all of them things he wanted to share with her. It felt... wrong. Personal. A bit like he'd done something he shouldn't have, but he didn't exactly regret it. It was... complicated.]

That's longer than me.

[ It doesn't matter what he tells her, so long as it doesn't involve murder she (probably) won't judge him for it. Her days of judging people for all sorts of indiscretions went right out the window when she started accumulating a list of her own. ]

But I don't know. I guess... Do you have friends here? What do you do for fun?

[ And wow does she sound lame. And desperate. Lamely desperate and desperately lame. Good job, Buffy. ]

Got... dunno. Couple blokes I hang around with. One's older than the Master. Immortal, apparently. In that real way you don't actually see. Other's an older fellow. Ex assassin, if I had to guess. Nice enough. Has good taste in whiskey and doesn't mind sharing.

[He wondered for a moment if she was trying to subtly ask if there were other women in his life here. Any Harmonys or Drus to keep him company.]

Do what I normally do, though... I got work now. Funny thing, they seem to like handing out jobs here.

[ There hadn't been any conscious thought of other women in his life, but... maybe it was there, buried under everything else. She doesn't have a right to be jealous, she should be happy if he has someone here. He doesn't mention anyone, though, and she's a little glad for it. ]

It seems a little too good to be true, all of this. [ Quietly, she adds while looking down into her glass-- ] I want it all to be true.

[ She clears her throat and turns her attention back to him. ] I'm glad you have friends here, Spike.

Too good to be true? Some magical reality pulling people in who feel out of place? I'd think you'd be a bit squirrelly about that. Leaving all those you love behind. You may run off now and then, Pet, but you always come back.

[He realized how that may have sounded, clearing his throat before he took another sip.]

Go back. To them, I mean.

It's not that simple anymore.

[ If she sounds heartbroken, it's because she is. When she'd first arrived in this place, she'd been under the impression that she didn't really have anyone to go back to, not anyone who couldn't manage well enough without her. ]

There's only one person I'd want to go back to, and you're sitting right here.

[His hand flexed, fingers spasming open and he almost dropped the glass. He recovered, but it was visible that he'd done so, clearing his throat again and reaching for the bottle, as if that would somehow erase what had just happened.]

I'm not going to get used to that. I'm- too used to you hating me. Or thinking nothing of me at all, other than some neutered stray you can't quite take to the pound.

[ If there's anything about this that makes her feel guilty, it's that. His reaction makes her chest tighten and her heart ache, because she doesn't want to do this to him but she can't not. ]

I understand, believe me I do. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't believe any of this. But I'm not lying to you, Spike, and I don't-- I'm not expecting anything from you. I just miss having you in my life.

I'm sorry if that's selfish of me.

But you are. You might not want to say it out loud, but you are. Expecting something from me. I can see it, you know. I don't know exactly what it is, but if what you said before is true... for you... then you expect something in me to recognize it. You want something.

[He refilled his glass, looking down at it because it was a hell of a lot easier than looking at her. Then he drank it, the whole thing, in a few burning swallows before he moved to refill it.]

Love is selfish. It's supposed to be.

[ He's not wrong about this either. She hates herself for it, that she's putting him in this position. He doesn't deserve to have her just waltz into the life he's made here and turn it all upside down. Downing the rest of her glass, she wraps both her hands around it and leans forward to set her arms on her legs. ]

You're right, and I'm sorry. You don't deserve to have me following after you hoping you'll remember something you don't actually feel.

[ Buffy refuses to cry, but there's more than a little choked-back emotion in her voice. She also refuses to look at him, because then he'd see just how much she's hurting. ]

I'm sorry, Spike.

I wasn't complaining.

[It was said softly. Quietly. A hush of a whisper before he turned to look at her trying so hard not to look at him.]

I wish I knew what you knew. I wish I could remember what I'd felt beyond the muddy memories from the portal mix up. I know I felt something, but I think I had my soul then. Everything just bloody well hurt.

[ He wasn't-- Then what was he doing. What were either of them doing. Just dancing around if and maybes and what might be but not what is. She needs to focus on that, on where he is rather than where she'd like him to be, because this isn't helping either of them. ]

It hurt when you first got it back. You had a hard time dealing with it, and the First didn't help.

Something was off here. Might have been that. I got in a bit of trouble here and some of that was because I just wasn't all there in my head. Had to be babysat for a bit. Not exactly my finer point.

[He sighed, then took another drink. Slowly, he asked her:]

Was I like him? Anything like... Angel? Was I so different?

[She had to know what he meant. Angelus versus Angel were two completely different people in one body. Was he so different from himself with his soul?]

[ His question makes her go still, and she really thinks on her answer before even trying to articulate anything. He deserves the truth about all of this, and she doesn't want it to seem like she's keeping anything from him simply by misspeaking. ]

You weren't like Angel. [ Taking a deep breath, she sits up properly and finally looks at him again. ] When Angel didn't have a soul, he was cruel, but you never were, not needlessly. When he had his soul, Angel was fueled by his remorse for everything he'd done as a vampire. You felt remorse, but... that wasn't why you got your soul back. It wasn't what kept you going everyday.

What was?

[He asked it, even though he had a niggling feeling he knew the answer already. It was the same thing that had always kept him going -- back when he was alive, after he'd turned, what had kept him close to madness for so bloody long.]

Love.

[ Four letters, a single word, and yet she can barely manage to say it. It's a whisper that's more like a breath, and she immediately shifts after she's said it, as if trying to shake off the feel of it. ]

At least, that would be my guess. We never... We didn't get to talk about it much before... everything.

I did tell you one time I was love's bitch. Never minded it that much. Rather have something worth living for -- and while blood and pain's all well and good, love... well. It lasts, don't it? Real love does, anyway. Or the want of it. Gives you a reason for being. You have to love something, don't you? Blood. Death. Someone. Something. I'll take that over being like Angelus was before he got his little curse.

Right prick, that sodding ass.

I wasn't his biggest fan, either.

[ Some part of her would always love Angel, and that same part would forever ache at the memory of Angelus and the torment he'd put her through. Those months had been some of the longest of her life, and she wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. ]

And yet even with the souled wonder puppy, you'd still sit here and tell me that I'm the one you love? Loved... hell, this is confusing, Pet.

I know it is.

[ She lifts a hand to rub at her eyes, feeling run down and wired all at the same time. All of this is confusing and she wishes she could make it easier for him. She could, of course, and she fully realizes that taking herself out of the equation would accomplish that perfectly, but... Love is selfish. ]

You and Angel are two very different people, and I loved you both for different reasons. You're the one who was there for me through so many things, and I just... I'll always love you, even if you don't love me.

That why you let me come in your room, all cozy and invited even though you say I can hurt you?

[Because that? That was new. He'd been let into the inner sanctums before because he'd been harmless. If he'd been able to hurt her, he doubted that would have stuck.]

I let you come in here because I trust you.

[ Things are different now, Spike. Good luck adjusting to it all. ]

Do you?

[He couldn't really help himself. He wasn't souled, but he'd had that bloody dream. He was still Spike, still the vampire that pushed those little limits he'd been given. His hand raised, as if to tuck her hair behind her ear. Testing.]

Yes.

[ She doesn't hesitate to answer, and she doesn't move an inch. If he wants to touch her, he can -- she'll stop him before anything goes too far, but she trusts that that won't happen. Spike has always pressed boundaries and danced around lines drawn in the sand, but there had only ever been once that he'd hurt her unforgivably, and those circumstances aren't going to be repeated here. ]

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